Failures...

Lately, my heart has been in a really dark place. I have questioned a lot of the things I once knew to be true:

Do I really love the Lord?
Am I hungry for righteousness or am I fooling myself?
Do I believe the Lord has the power to change me?
Do I believe that the Lord forgives me unconditionally?

I have had some failures in my walk with the Lord. Failures that I never dreamed I would experience...and so close to the day of victory in these areas. I feel far from the Lord and sometimes even that's enough for me to "give up" seeking him alltogether.

A great man once said that when God feels distant it isn't because he has gone anywhere. God doesn't move, we do. I do. I wish I knew in which direction to go running back to him. Sometimes I feel like it's a spiritual game of marco-polo but I'm the only one playing and no one is answering with "polo."

Sometimes I wish I could come out of the Christian closet with these failures, but I guess I do prefer to be a hyprocrite instead of appearing as one. If I didn't I would have confessed by now. It's that pride in me that says, "you can't tell them that, you're supposed to be someone they look up to." But, will they look up to me more if I confess it? Do they even look up to me now?

These are some of the difficult things I have been chewing and choking on the past couple of weeks. Hopefully, it didn't dampen your day too much.